You are Beautiful my dear, So beautiful

The thoughts in the post have been swirling around in my head and heart for months, maybe even years. Not only do these thoughts resonate from my own life experiences and choices, but also from the many other loved ones in my life, as well as those who I do not know. I only know from a girls prospective on how it feels to not be beautiful, to not be good enough and to feel ashamed. I am sure guys struggle with this in their own way. The problem today is that as women we put way too much money on how guys think and look at us, especially on the outside. When we start realizing that it is not about us I wonder how much more beautiful on the inside and out we will start to feel? I know most of you would rather eat dirt and throw water balloons at me than to hear something on how "If God made us... we must be beautiful". I know, I get it. In times that I am ashamed and feel unloved.. that is not always a comfort to me. It is almost like saying.. well my mom loves me, or my mom thinks I am beautiful. Means a lot, but I mean... yah. I think everyone gets that.

This Tenth Ave. North song pierces my heart in so many different ways. I have been that teared stained girl huddled in a corner.. trying so hard to hide from everything that I have done and thought. Wondering, and pleading with God.. "How did I get here??" I have made myself feel un beautiful, unloved, and un wanted, as well as I have let others make me feel this way. Like the girl in the song.. I always know all the right answers, the rehearsed lines, I always know what to do.. but have been too weak to try. Do we really believe that the Spirit can lift us up? That He can work through us? To convict us, make us realize, and open my eyes.. to how it is not about what I have been done, but what has ALREADY been done for me and what can be done THROUGH me. To make me open my heart with arms wide open and shout out that : "I am MORE than the choices and mistakes I have made.. SO much more". We can not do it alone. When we try we get the world of shame, and brokenness that we have today. Let the Lord heal you today. Bring on the healing Lord no matter how many problems we... I create.

Another song was sent to me (by the person I love most in this world) that has not been able to leave my heart is by Mercy Me. As much as I don't like to hear it and it does not mean a lot at times.. I am the one He madly loves and chose to die for. You are that one. He madly loves you. We are treasured and scared to Him. We are so beautiful inside and out to him. As much as we all want that from a person in life (and we were made for some of that) the truth is EVEN if we have this in life.. if we don't have this with Him.. we will always have a hole in our life and we can never feel truly beautiful. No matter how much we feel unloveable, ugly, and broken.. we are loved. We will always be loved.. and we are made for SO much more. We are more than the lies we have allowed to be kept in our hearts. I pray so much for us to stop hurting each other, and stop allowing ourselves to spread hate and make people feel like they are not loved. As long as there are humans here.. it may never come to be. Which is why we have to change something in our hearts, and realize that no matter how much people step and trample on you... we are still beautiful. Beautifully and wonderfully made. It should not just be a man who has to seek God because our hearts are so close to God.. it should be the whole world. All I know is that even though those around me have given up on me and betrayed me, and even though I betray myself... God has not given up on me. He has not forgotten the plans He has for each of us. Lord, let that be enough. Let us feel beautiful.. so beautiful and loved in you. In Your arms. You won't relent until you have it all... why should I Lord? My heart is yours. Heal our souls, and heal our hearts. I want to be known for my beauty on the inside... I want it to shine out. My heart hurts for all those who feel so ugly and ashamed of themselves. My heart also hurts and pains for the role that the "church" has played in this as well. The way so many have been shunned and thrown out for their mistakes. As jumbled up as my thoughts are.. You are beautiful my dear, so terribly, wonderfully beautiful.

"You really won’t understand your life as a woman until you understand this: You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.

You are passionately hated by his Enemy.

And so, dear heart, it is time for your restoration. For there is One greater than your Enemy. One who has sought you out from the beginning of time. He has come to heal your broken heart and restore your feminine soul."

- "Captivating" -John and Staci Eldridge

MercyMe - Beautiful (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: MercyMe

Reflecting

I had planned on writing this post yesterday on Valentine's Day, but my day ended up being extremely busy. I always planned on a 3rd post on true love, but when an amazing person said to me : "I would REALLY like to be a Valentines hater... But if GOD is LOVE ....then I really don't want to be a hater". I could not stop thinking about that. I had already been trying and asking God to change my mind and feelings about this day of love, but when I got that message from her, I knew it had to happen. So I did it! Well, I let God do it. He really did it all. I was not even 1% bitter, or upset. I was only sad that to be reminded of losing one of my best friends, but there was not bitterness in me. I have a God who loves me beyond my imagination. Who loves me as if I was the only human on earth. ("God has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created." -C.S. Lewis) He loves me enough to "chase" after me. As Brandon Heath so wonderfully wrote... He won't give up until my heart is stolen!! I have been blessed to have a love on Valentine's Day for many years, to be able to spend time with girlfriends, and also to be alone. No Valentine's Day ever could compare with the peace I was given from my God, my Father like I had yesterday. It was more beautiful than any amount of flowers, gifts, or romance anyone man or anyone could have ever given me, and will ever give me. For that, I am so thankful.

I did have a wonderful day. Starting out with surprising my mom at work with flowers that smelled like chocolate and carob (her chocolate), then I had lunch with Jenna (which was the best lunch ever), after that I got to go to work and play with my Valentine Heidi


and finally to end the day I had a wonderful Italian dinner with my dad, stepmom, their 2 best friends, and Joshua. It all ended with me dominating all of them in Phase 10. Yes you heard that right... I won!!! :) FINALLY. See what awesome things can happen with a change of mind and heart?? :)

On a happy note... with a relationship I refuse to accept anything less than this :


True love is not candy, flowers, pink, or feel good romance. All that is wonderful and can be apart of it, but true love is so much more. Love is something can be shown to everyone. To those who have no one. All you not single people, remember those of your friends who can be lonely and have no one. Don't act superior just because you have someone.. you are not. Those who are single.. get rid of the bitterness, but realize it is okay to feel lonely. Try to fill the void with something greater. I hope you were able to enjoy the day. single or not, and were able to love someone. If not, that is okay.. because today is another day, and really... all you need is love :)

If You're A Bird, I'm A Bird

Now I must salute all those who are single, and taken alike you love and adore Valentine's Day. They do not see it as a highly publicized, overly commercialized, chocolate stuffed, pink- tool-crazed day. They see it as the day of love. A day to celebrate and and excuse to eat lots of chocolate. Even though I think that Valentine's Day is blown up, commercialized, money pit, I do believe the idea of Valentine's Day and showing the person you love how much you appreciate them, is indeed a great idea. I have been both single and taken on VDay. I have spent it with my love, alone, and with friends. No matter my thoughts now, I can see why this holiday can be loved by so many.

Valentines Day is full of lovely handholding...

it is also full of dancing...

full of dramatic displays of love:

as well as sweet displays of affection:

and we can't forget those cheesy quotes:

So many fun things about this day of love. If you are blessed enough to love Valentine's Day and you have someone wonderful to share it with, don't take that for granted. Enjoy it. If you don't have anyone to share it with and still love it, eat chocolate to your hearts content and enjoy the romantic movies, and showing how much you love those around you. Enjoy this day of love! Drink in the flowers, and yummy food your loved one will shower you with. Enjoy the hand holding, cuddling, and kisses stolen all night long. Be in love! :) <3>

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." - Swedish Prover

Love is being stupid together.

"when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible" -Harry, 'When Harry Met Sally'

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love" Mother Theresa

And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darling,
You, are, the only exception

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you're completely amazing

Black Heart's on Valentine's Day

If you hate Valentine's Day.. obviously you are not alone. With the invention of "Singles Awareness Day" it is apparent that haters are running rampant and they are fighting to be noticed on this holiday, and day of love and pink. One thing I feel as though we should all keep in mind.. at times even though this holiday can been cheesy and irritating, BUT sometimes a bitter, self-absorbed, man-hating woman can be even worse. MUCH MUCH worse. Even so, for this first part of the entry I will indulge the bitter, sad, lonely woman that can come out in us all.

Reason's It might be OKAY to hate VDAY:

FOR GIRLS

1 You can’t moan about it. If you’re single, you sound like a dried-up old spinster; if you’re in a relationship, everyone assumes you’ve hit a rough patch.

2 There is nothing more disappointing than a man you’d previously earmarked as husband material expressing his romantic intent with his hatred of the day and rubbing it in your face the whole time.

3 With the stress, all-over body waxing and pressure to out romance everyone else, Valentine’s Day is like a mini-wedding . .. but in February, the dampest, coldest,month. Nobody should be expected to get married in February. And certainly not every year.

4 It produces brain-rottingly awful verse, such as, “How we gain yearly, from the love we share dearly”.

5 All the displays of perfect, flippy-haired coupledom only serve to turbo-charge the sneaking suspicion that everyone else is far more in love than you are.

6 The girl you most dislike will receive the perfect gift and in the normal selfish and ungrateful fashion that "those girls" usually act.. as soon as their guy is out of earshot they will complain, over and over again on how their gift was not good enough.

7 There’s no such thing as a successful Valentine’s Day. Even if you do get a mystery card/gift/bunch of flowers, it will almost certainly be from someone insultingly awful.

8 You become embroiled in competitive dating battles. Okay, so Charlotte in marketing got the most expensive roses, but you got the best restaurant. Aah! Look what you’ve become! Ungrateful.

9 It is very unhealthy. Guys want us to look good, but yet they give us pounds and pounds of candy. Makes sense right?

10 Fluff, Pink, and lace only ever work for three-year-olds and Italian fashion designers.

FOR BOYS

11 It makes you hate your fellow man. You can guarantee all the decent restaurants will be booked up "those guys", leaving the rest of us paying double for horrible food in a restaurant we hate.

12 It makes men do stupid things, like light candles and stuff.

13 It gets men into trouble when they don’t do stupid things like light candles and stuff. Because, actually, she really wanted you to, but prompting is so unromantic, isn’t it?

14 It’s such a rip-off. With flowers, dinner and cabs, you’re looking at a hundred quid minimum. Wouldn’t she just prefer the cash instead?

15 In new relationships, whether or not you take her out or buy her a gift speaks volumes about “where you’re at”, way before you’re ready for the “are we having a relationship?” chat. (Like you were ever ready for it anyway.)

16 . Is it the right gift? The wrong gift? Too cheap? Too much? AHHHHHH

17 Valentine’s Day focuses her mind, and you feel as sick as a dog every time there’s a lull in the conversation.

18 Isn’t one compulsory annual shopping event enough? Christmas is just about excusable. No such luck on the 14th.

19 Where are the man presents? What do we get out of it?

20 There is nothing more disappointing than a woman you’d previously earmarked as wife material not even laughing at the sheep card.

**So there... some reasons it is okay to hate Valentine's Day. There is also that aching feeling in your heart.... that sad lonely feeling. Either missing the one that got away, or just missing something and someone you wish that you had. Everyone that has been dumped has had that gut wrenching feeling. That feeling that you think will never go away. Of course Valentine's Day just magnifies it. I apologize for this video I am going to post. I know it is Twilight, and I have promised to only discuss this with other Twilight fans, but this is a good, dramatic video. Showing the pain that can happen. The pain of watching month after month go by you, while you are sad and everyone else has moved on. Your friends forgetting about you, losing friends because of a breakup, and not knowing what to do with yourself. Warning.. This is dramatic...

How a girl can feel after a breakup

For those who hate Valentine's Day... I wish that I could help you not be so bitter this year, and realize that you can find joy, and true love elsewhere. Even so, I know better than anyone that sometimes you just need one of those days. One of those bitter, I hate love, singles awareness days. I just hope next year, single, or not, you will come to your senses and realize life, and love is about so much more. But for now, get out your voo-doo doll and your Ben & Jerry's double chocolate fudge and mope a little. :)

Beauty in the Darkness

SO.. I know I posted this to my profile and other places several times... but how could I not post it here too! I have been trying to spread this beauty around to all. I feel so strongly that it needs to be seen! Christians protecting the Muslim protesters in Cairo. Thank you!! I know so many are tired of talking about what has been happening in Egypt, everyone has moved on. I understand that. I have been there. Does not make it right. Does not necessarily make it wrong either. I know everyone thinks that I can't get it out of my heart and mind because of my family, but really there is one thing being pounded out in my heart and head over and over again. That is this: "Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your kingdoms cause.." I have prayed this so many times. I know that is a huge reason why I have been blessed with a heart for so many. So many that are hurting, and a huge part of why I wanted to become a social worker... especially in the adoption/foster care realm. Why I break down and cry at all the orphan/Aids/Africa commercials. So many might make fun of me for that.. I do not care. I welcome the teasing. Sometimes even encourage it ;)

Back on topic... my heart hurts for Egypt, but at the same time pictures like the one above make it a sort of beautiful mess. There is always that glimmer, and sliver of hope. Not sure why I used the word "sliver". I detest it so. Right under the "m" word. I continue to pray for that country. For safety and for more moments like those above. I continue to pray for Americans and all over to soften their hearts and to put their political guns back into their holsters for just a bit( I don't want this to be a political thing at all. I hate politics if you must know) To also realize, what they see and hear in the news/media is often tainted, diluted, and/or embellished. I wish people would not forget. Sometimes people are so spoiled with the way we live here, it is hard to even believe that is going on in other parts of the world. We like to turn our heads away and continue to live ignorantly. In all honesty, I try to do just that. Every single day I try to forget and just live my life but, the pounding on my heart and mind just won't let me. So I keep praying. Praying for freedom and deliverance that may or may not come for these beautiful people. My family. God's loves them too you know. And not just the Coptic Christians. Break my heart Lord for what breaks Yours.

Okay, enough ranting and terrible blogging. Update on my family. My mom was able to talk to both of her brothers, my uncles (you re welcome for me stating the obvious), on Friday!! I will not say much to protect privacy. However, they are alive. They are not able to go out of their houses at all. They are allowed to leave by law during the day, but it is just too dangerous right now. They are having so many problems with looters, and people trying to set their houses on fire. They stay inside. They are not allowed by law out at night. It is pretty scary and so sad. Even though the phone and Internet is back up.. it is still shady and not always working. That is all I will say. Thank you again to all that have asked and prayed! It is not forgotten. Keep praying for those who are out there fighting for the freedoms you and I take for granted everyday. Also, keep remembering that until you live there... don't act like you know what is or is not best for the country. Stop being selfish. After all, is this life really just all about America being #1? I would hope not. If so, shame on you. Love.

God calls us to change the way we look at folks. Not to see them as insiders or outsiders, liberals or conservatives. To label is to libel. -Max Lucado